Sunday, March 22, 2009

Layers of a Painted Life

Life is like a box of chocolates.... Life is like an onion, peel away the layers....

I've had a realization about my life - a light bulb moment, if you will - my life is like an old canvas, each significant part of my life is a painting painted over the previous significant part. I think every time I moved to a new home as a child - that was a painting. Well, I changed homes every year and a half until I was twenty one. From twenty-one until my early forty's, the longest I lived in one place was four years. Since 1992 I have lived in the same house. I think that is significant. That is a lot of paintings with one very thick top layer.

For someone who lives in the moment - or the current layer of her own painted canvas - this is a revelation. But what does it mean?

Yesterday I was reading through a thread on a blog and became very agitated. Yesterday was not one of my better days. This may sound strange, but I am so grateful that my drugs of choice are Pepsi and chocolate! Maybe you can see where this is going.... The beginning of 2009 I decided to quit drinking soft drinks; IE: Pepsi. It is now the end of March and I have had a Pepsi three times - one of those three times was yesterday. Why? Because it was one of those what-the-hell days. I was up to my eyeballs in an internal struggle I didn't understand. What does this have to do with reading a thread from a blog??? I've realized that I had started the process of projecting my own feelings of insecurity onto someone else - labeling them intense, grandiose, grand standing. What I came to understand is this is how I am feeling about some of my own blogs and some of the responses I've given to other posts.

Okay. How does this now tie into the "life is a painted canvas" theme? I think when I read the blog yesterday I chipped off a chunk of the oil on my life canvas. And the gouge was not a good feeling - but a necessary one. I don't know what this means overall, but I think it's part of a process I've been living for a long time - and now it's time to find a way to integrate all the layers. Maybe for me it's a matter of using a chisel, sandpaper and new paint to get to the real person that has been built up over the years. MAYBE that's why I'm obsessed with making all these little tiles lately! I fold the clay, roll it out, stamp into it, but it into a shape, dry it for a few days, sand it (a little), paint it, then sand it back to see what I have. Then I just keep sanding until I'm comfortable with the feel and look of the piece. I also have been working alot with ICON images - primarily Madonna & Child. I know this is important to me, I just don't know why - yet - so that's a post for another day.

So where does that leave me now - with my current life philosophy - I am left to "bless" the other person (or people) with whom I may have "struggled" - and with that I "bless" myself. I can now view what I read yesterday with compassion and understanding, knowing we are all just trying our best to make sense of every day. I will be more compassionate in any suggestions or advise I post in any blog. I will look into myself before making any judgements or pronoucments about anyone or their ideas. I will take more time to just be quiet and search for that feel of okayness in me that I seek in my clay tiles.



  1. "For someone who lives in the moment - or the current layer of her own painted canvas - this is a revelation. But what does it mean? "
    Pam, It just means that you didn't swirl those buried layers into the present... that's all. and maybe that's o.k. for some people but for those of us who have had the disruptions & interruptions throughout our lives we have a desire to light on a permanent place, a grounded place and maybe we fabricate that by making "in the moment" an important place to be. Those other layers are the foundation of who you are in this moment. Recognize those layers, embrace those layers. forgive those layers, love those layers...those layers are who you are NOW. and what is so wrong with that? more later my dear amiga. cle

  2. For God's sake woman post something!! =) I need something new to read.