Life is like a box of chocolates.... Life is like an onion, peel away the layers....I've had a realization about my life - a light bulb moment, if you will - my life is like an old canvas, each significant part of my life is a painting painted over the previous significant part. I think every time I moved to a new home as a child - that was a painting. Well, I changed homes every year and a half until I was twenty one. From twenty-one until my early forty's, the longest I lived in one place was four years. Since 1992 I have lived in the same house. I think that is significant. That is a lot of paintings with one very thick top layer.
For someone who lives in the moment - or the current layer of her own painted canvas - this is a revelation. But what does it mean?
Yesterday I was reading through a thread on a blog and became very agitated. Yesterday was not one of my better days. This may sound strange, but I am so grateful that my drugs of choice are Pepsi and chocolate! Maybe you can see where this is going.... The beginning of 2009 I decided to quit drinking soft drinks; IE: Pepsi. It is now the end of March and I have had a Pepsi three times - one of those three times was yesterday. Why? Because it was one of those what-the-hell days. I was up to my eyeballs in an internal struggle I didn't understand. What does this have to do with reading a thread from a blog??? I've realized that I had started the process of projecting my own feelings of insecurity onto someone else - labeling them intense, grandiose, grand standing. What I came to understand is this is how I am feeling about some of my own blogs and some of the responses I've given to other posts.
Okay. How does this now tie into the "life is a painted canvas" theme? I think when I read the blog yesterday I chipped off a chunk of the oil on my life canvas. And the gouge was not a good feeling - but a necessary one. I don't know what this means overall, but I think it's part of a process I've been living for a long time - and now it's time to find a way to integrate all the layers. Maybe for me it's a matter of using a chisel, sandpaper and new paint to get to the real person that has been built up over the years. MAYBE that's why I'm obsessed with making all these little tiles lately! I fold the clay, roll it out, stamp into it, but it into a shape, dry it for a few days, sand it (a little), paint it, then sand it back to see what I have. Then I just keep sanding until I'm comfortable with the feel and look of the piece. I also have been working alot with ICON images - primarily Madonna & Child. I know this is important to me, I just don't know why - yet - so that's a post for another day.
So where does that leave me now - with my current life philosophy - I am left to "bless" the other person (or people) with whom I may have "struggled" - and with that I "bless" myself. I can now view what I read yesterday with compassion and understanding, knowing we are all just trying our best to make sense of every day. I will be more compassionate in any suggestions or advise I post in any blog. I will look into myself before making any judgements or pronoucments about anyone or their ideas. I will take more time to just be quiet and search for that feel of okayness in me that I seek in my clay tiles.
Peace,
Pam
